As I write this, to be honest, I couldn’t be feeling less grateful. We just cancelled a long-planned Thanksgiving visit from my sister, my young children are still in Zoom school (i.e. my husband and I trade off days to become 2nd grade teacher aides), my husband’s job is on COVID hold, and our sweet old dog Petey gets slower and creakier by the day. We keep joking that he is our COVID emotional support dog. At least once a day someone is crying into his fur.
In the big picture, we have much to be thankful for. So why then is it so difficult to feel this gratitude right now? Am I just a COVID Thanksgiving gratitude grouch?
Well, it turns out gratitude is more of a practice than a passive, pre-ordained state of mind. In fact, our minds are primed with a negativity bias. Evolutionarily, our brains developed to be hypervigilant. To constantly scan the environment for saber tooth tigers, so we could generate a strong physiological reaction and run like crazy back to the safety of our cave. The evolutionary hangover to this is that our brain first scans for the bad news, fixates on it in a painful feedback loop that ups our stress hormones, and reacts in a manner that isn’t always in our modern-day best interests.
But the good news, especially during this time in the world where so much feels out of our control and at risk, is that we actually have a superpower to shape and shift our brain’s negativity bias. It’s not a cape or vibranium, it’s called practice. We develop gratitude by practicing it repeatedly. What we focus on grows.
I know, I know, you’re probably groaning, “one more thing to add to my to do list?” “one more new-agey, feel good, self-improvement tip” “UGH, no thanks”. Well, the good news is it’s nothing to add, or to do. It’s all already happening. It’s right here. It’s just about pausing and noticing it (the amber instead of the saber tooth tiger) for the length of three breaths.
If the time argument isn’t compelling, here’s another reason why we should we practice gratitude, especially when it’s the least thing we are feeling at the moment. It works! As Dr. Shauna Shapiro describes from her research, gratitude primes our minds for joy. She writes, “It helps us pause and take in the good. Often, we’re so preoccupied with the stressors in our lives that we miss the beauty surrounding us”.
But it’s not just that Dr. Shapiro says so. Hundreds of research studies have shown that gratitude helps us notice and access positive emotions. Gratitude is also linked to a multitude of physical, cognitive and relational benefits such as:
· Decreased depression
· Improved sleep
· Increased resilience
· Decreased risk of cardiovascular disease
· Better relationships
· More work satisfaction
· More effective work practices
· Increased creativity & increased perspective taking
If your interest is peaked, below are some informational resources, and some simple practices to try. Try it out yourself, see what you notice. Bring an attitude of kind curiosity to the experiment. And let me know what you discover.
Two exercises from Dr. Shapiro’s work to get started:
(1) “A good memory picture in three breaths”. We can install a positive experience into our long-term memory by focusing on it for 3 breaths. This can be done anytime, anywhere. Reflect on concrete details of the experience you are grateful for. The more you include sensory details, the more benefit. What do you see, hear, smell, taste or feel? More sensory details help the memory stick in the brain. Do this for 3 inhale/exhales. Keep doing whatever you were doing in busy life.
(2) “Three good things”. Spend 5-10 minutes at the end of each day writing in detail about three things (large or small) that went well that day. As above, reflect on concrete details of the experience you are grateful for. The more you include sensory details, the more benefit. Studies of this process demonstrated increased happiness, enhanced well-being, reduced stress, better access to positive memories, and a greater sense of flourishing in life. (Shapiro, p.132)
This weird COVID Thanksgiving I’m grateful for you. As I write, I am reminded that what we practice grows stronger. I can be a gratitude grouch, and then always begin the practice again. And again. And again.
Resources:
Podcast
“How to be Grateful when Everything Sucks”
DaRa Williams on the 10% Happier Podcast (Free)
Book
Shauna Shapiro, PhD
Good Morning, I Love You: Mindfulness + Self Compassion Practices to Rewire Your Brain for Calm, Clarity + Joy